Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
