Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
