Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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