....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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