i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
