my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
