Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
