I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
