We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
