so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
