Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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