I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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