I accidentally had phone sex last night
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
