i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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