Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
