Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
