Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
