I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
