Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
