Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have already put on my inside pants.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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