first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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