My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
