she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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