it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
