At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
