I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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