We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
