PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
