Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
