btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
