You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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