Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
