We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
