just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Randomize
