You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
