Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
