How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
