I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
