I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
