for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
