my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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