I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
