Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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