So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude i'm inner monologue high
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
