She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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