I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
