I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
