I skipped work to stalk him.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
