Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
