So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
